


Burns In Da House

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Fix-It, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-02-27
Updated: 1999-02-27
Packaged: 2018-11-10 12:08:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11126703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: The wanderer returns....





	Burns In Da House

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Burns In Da House

## Burns In Da House

REPOST 

by TimBeastie 

email 

Dedicated to my very favourite cop, chortling martins and a blackbird loving Light ;)...  
Not forgetting...my favourite duck ;))  
  

Ray smiled - in fact he beamed from ear to ear and then some.  It was good to be back.  Nah scrap that, it was *great* to be back.  Familiar faces grinned back at him giving him a warm fuzzy feeling deep within him.  Today he was everyones favourite long lost lottery winning cousin.  Tomorrow - who knew, who cared; he basked in the moment. 

Ray took a deep breath filling his lungs with eau de Precinct 27, then exhaled slowly savouring every last molecule of stale sweat, sandwiches and jelly donuts.  Speaking of which...hmm  Ah!  Between Detective Huey and his new partner - Detective Dewey - gee which klutz in staffing was the Disney nut then? 

"Hey Dief!" 

Ray could see the ever faithful donut hound busily nuzzling his muzzle into an extra large bag of Dillys Donuts. <Geez kinda figured Benny woulda put the kibosh on that.  Speakin of...>  Ray looked up and took in the stetson perched rather precariously on the edge of his desk atop a Pisa style stack of files.  *His* desk.  Ray swallowed hastily as a large lump of Italian emotion began to form in his throat. 

<Oh well, nice to know I wont be sittin on my butt all day.>

The crowd around him thinned allowing him to get through and take his place on his old chair.  Another lump threatened as he patted the arms surreptitiously. 

"Yeah." he whispered softly. 

Ray leaned forward and hefted the stetson off the casefiles.  He took in the familiar form; another piece of his world back in place.  His eyes were drawn to the buckle and he mused on whether it looked re-sharpened. 

"Looks kinda blunt to me." he said softly and twirled the hat round the point of his long index finger.  "Id better tell Benny."  <Yeah and so *much* else besides.>

At his side Diefenbaker withdrew his head from donut paradise and snuffled a greeting. 

"Yeah hi Dief..hows it goin?" 

Dief whined and returned rapidly to his feast. 

"I guess youd better scarf those off quicktime before Benny gets the scent mmm?" 

A flash of red alerted Rays peripheral vision and he turned round eagerly with... 

"Hey Benny long time no.....see.....?" 

He trailed off, stetson almost slipping from his finger as he gaped at the newcomer. 

"Whore you?" he demanded bluntly. 

"Uh..thank you" said the Mountie bending forward to retrieve the stetson from Ray. 

"I  said.  *Who* are you?" 

Ray narrowed his eyes, adopting a belligerent pose to cover his disappointment. 

"Um well..Oh has Dief finished those yet?" 

The strange Mountie bent down and patted the enthusiastic and abnormally grateful wolf. 

Ray tapped his fingers loudly on his desk, then cleared his throat in preparation for a fresh onslaught. 

"Hiya Fraze! 

His sisters soft tones lingered close by the Mounties ear as Frannie quickly twisted her slender frame round his body, threw her arms round his shoulders and leaned in for an exceedingly reciprocated kiss. 

"Hey!  Thats my sister." protested her brother weak with shock. 

Frannie bent back still held tightly between two red serge clad arms. 

"Gee well spotted bro!" 

She smirked and turned back to enjoy  some more Mountie therapy. 

"Lieutenant!"  Ray spotted his boss striding purposefully towards him. 

"Vecchio!  In my office now!" 

Ray and the Mountie gave nervous starts.  The Mountie shrugged and turned his attention back to what Ray considered to be Vecchio violation. 

Harding Welshs eyes bore like gimlets into the Mounties back. 

"Yeah and you too Fraser!" 

With an audible sigh the Mountie disentangled himself from Frannie and turned to the lieutenant. 

"Fraser?   As in Bennys long lost brother..or sumthin?" asked a puzzled Ray Vecchio, noting no family resemblance whatsoever.. 

"Nah" replied his sister, in the throes of reapplying her lipstick.  Satisfied she smacked her lips and blew a kiss to the Mountie who grinned back happily but stopped abruptly as he caught sight of her brothers more than apparent disapproval. 

"Benton Fraser." she continued and shut her vanity mirror with a snap. 

"Yeah right!" said Ray.  
"Yeah..right." said the Mountie striding after Lt Welsh leaving a totally stunned cop behind. 

Rays eyes slid towards his sister. 

"Francesca." he began, one might say pompously. 

"Vecchio!  I mean now!  Now means now!  It does not mean whenever it suits you!" yelled the Lieutenant from the doorway of his office. 

"Later." menaced Ray to his sibling who promptly stuck her tongue out at him.  He ignored her and thrust himself out of his chair towards his irate boss.  Even being yelled made him feel good today.  The Mountie however...  Ray shuddered.  Something was wrong, something was way out of kilter.  This he did *not* like. 

************** 

"A performance what??!" 

"You heard me." 

"So what does this menace to society do?  Bore people to death?" 

"You could say that." agreed Welsh thoughtfully flipping through the pictures in the file before him. 

"So whys he after me?  Well me and Fraser, that is Benton Fraser \- the *real* Benton Fraser."  Ray looked pointedly at his companion who was currently making frisbee throwing motions with the stetson in his hand. 

"Uh thatd be me." 

"No." said Ray firmly.  "That would *not* be you." He turned to the Lieutenant pleading for his sanity. 

"Cmon sir.  This aint Frasier.  Whats the deal here?"  He stopped as a sudden thought flitted into his rapidly overheating brain. 

"Ya dont mean...ya cant mean..." 

"Mean what Vecchio?"  The lieutenants tones were measured but wary. 

"Look is this a setup?  I mean like Benny tryin ta get back at me for doin the same thing?  Like no way  is Benny gonna go undercover right?...right?" 

Ray looked from the Mountie to his boss and back again.  He saw his answer in their faces. 

"You have gotta be kiddin me.  Bennyll never survive undercover...geez the guy cant lie.  He couldnt even  tell ma he liked her new hat.  I mean I know it was kinda over the top but he had ta go on about the flowers being "somewhat overblown and  multitudinous".   Good  thing ma likes him so much - so she takes it out on me instead for not sayin earlier.  Like I know from hats.  Sheesh!"  Ray knew he was babbling, he just didnt seem able to stop himself.  The other two just looked at him.  Ray clutched  his shorn head with both hands in frustration. 

"*Youre* pretendin ta be Frasier?"  Ray looked incredulously at the spiky haired Mountie. 

"Uh well yeah I guess." replied *Fraser* somewhat evasively. 

"Ya sure got him down pat." Ray couldnt help his sarcastic tone.  The guy didnt even seem to be trying.   Didnt this jerk realise would happen to Benny if his cover were blown? 

"Sorry.  It aint easy playin Mr Perfect you know.   Its helping old ladies cross the street this, holding doors for every American in town that.  Not to mention tryin ta speed learn Inuit culture, Mandarin Chinese and all the rest of the encyclopaedias in Frasers brain..sniffing this, tasting that...." 

Ray nodded sympathetically.  He could understand that.  Geez having to learn Inuit stories.  Ewww! 

"Yeah well layin off my sister would be a good point ta start with.  Bennys not known  for bein too hot around the ladies ya know." 

"Tell me something I dont know."  Mutual understanding flashed between the two. 

"It was a helluva a lot easier when I was covering for you."  *Fraser* added. 

"Me!?" 

"Yeah like..yeah."  *Fraser* rocked twitchily  and fiddled with his lanyard.  The guy didnt seem to have a still bone in his body and Ray half expected him to launch into a tap routine or vanish back to Oz the way he was clicking his boots. 

Lt Welsh leaned far back in his chair affecting complete resignation.  No way was he prepared to relive a Vecchian version of Frasers investigation into the authentication of Ray. 

"OK OK.  Listen up Vecchio.  This is strictly between these four walls..for your  ears only.  Remember one careless word and your Mountie friends gonna land himself as Lake Michigan catch of the month."  
"Well actually sir, strictly speaking the number of people who know about this temporary deception..."  *Fraser* made like a guppy, blinked and snapped his mouth shut. 

"Oh my word!" he muttered to himself.  "Those subliminal tapes of Frannies must be working after all." 

"I take it youve finished?" queried Welsh with heavy handed patience. 

"Yes sir." agreed *Fraser*  Ray stifled a grin.  This poor sap was goin through hoops for sure - well for Benny. 

"Raymond Vecchio meet Stanley Ray Kowalski - until two weeks ago your cover.  Now for some unfathomable reason he turns up at the precinct dressed as your friend the Mountie and announces hes now covering for Fraser.  I have no  reasonable or logical explanation for this and I leave it to your new friend here to fill in any relevant details I may have missed out.  Clear?" 

"As mud sir." 

"In the meantime.  I would be overcome with gratitude if you two would kindly haul your butts out of my office and start playing nice.  Capisce?" 

"Yes sir." Ray and former Ray echoed. 

"Um..after you." said *Fraser* politely indicating the door. 

Ray rolled his eyes and strode out of the office, snagging the Mounties arm on the way. 

"Right." said Ray as they reached his desk. 

"Spill.  Nah wait, first off Ill  take the keys to my Riv back if you please." 

"Your..Riv?"  The Mountie looked unaccountably anxious. 

"Oh dear." 

Ray winced with sudden foreboding. 

"My Riv.  My prize possession.  My baby.  My 1971 mint condition Buick Riviera."  he ground out. 

"The keys are in your top drawer." 

"Great."  A load lifted. 

"But..." 

Ray closed his eyes and began shaking his head. 

"It was Frasier wasnt it?  He persuaded you ta sacrifice my baby didnt he?  Like he has ta appease some Inuit Vehicular Goddess or sumthin.  Just tell me straight - did she suffer much?" 

The Mountie considered.  In all honesty - but a quick look at Rays doleful expression made him reconsider the Fraser way. 

"No no" he reassured the Rivs former owner.  "It was very quick.  Bang!  Boom!" 

"It was a performance arsonist who sabotaged your car by the way - not Fraser." 

"Oh that makes me feel *so* much better.  My pride and joy sacrificed for art." 

"Your cell phones in your desk too."  offered the fake Fraser. 

At that moment the muffled pulsing tone of the cell phone invaded Rays grief. 

Ray yanked the drawer open and grabbed the phone. 

"Vecchio here.  Yes Detective Raymond Vecchio.  Whaddya mean I dont sound like him?" 

He  listened. 

"I should sound *what*?  Listen buddy I am not, have not and never will be *Canadian*.  Geez!" 

He turned to his new best friend and held out the phone. 

"Here I think it must be for you." 

*Fraser* held the phone to his ear and stuck his other hand into his jodhpurs. 

"Uh..Cons...er.."  Stanley Ray had almost given the game away as the almost irresistible desire to announce himself as Constable Benton Fraser RCMP practically overcame him. 

"Hey they hung up!" The Mountie sounded surprised and pained. 

"Yeah well never mind that now.  Give it up." 

"Give up what?  I dont understand.  What do you want?" 

"Listen "Frazer" or whatever your name is.  Let me tell ya now, ya can overdo the clueless Mountie gig, just dont do it with me.  I had it up to here" (a foot above Rays head apparently) "with Benny.  Got it?" 

"Got it."  The new Fraser capitulated easily much to Rays satisfaction. 

" I assume youre referring to the reason for Frasers disappearance."  
  

The Mountie shrugged. 

"Inspector Moffat felt.." 

"Wait a minute.   Moffat?" Ray looked disgusted. 

"Yeah why?" 

"Thats the guy who had Benny running round town like a glorified messenger boy tryin ta deliver an invite to some Canadian Consulate fancy pants shindig."  Ray grinned reminiscently. 

"Yeah that serge sure itches dont it?." 

*Fraser* looked confused, but Ray let it go lost in the moment. 

"That Moffat sure had some nutso ideas about Canadian world domination from what Benny told me." 

"Fraser told you..umm..I mean really?"  *Frasers* eyes  slid to the right and the cop tracked his gaze. 

<Canadians ya gotta love em.  They are sooo easy.>

"Interestin wallpaper wouldnt ya say?" teased Ray. 

"Umm..."  Stanley Ray winced as the Frasered part of his brain began feeding him great chunks of data on wallpaper design, history and manufacture.  How had he ever hoped to fill Frasers  boots?  Why in the name of  every Canadian President that ever lived had he agreed to it?  Impersonating one Italian Chicagoan Cop was a  picnic in the park compared to this. 

Then he  remembered. 

Oh yeah. 

Frannie. 

He chuckled softly as he remembered their first kiss.  Right there in the precinct at the top of the stairs while behind them Claude the Janitor tumbled head over heels over his mop and bucket.  The guy had been OK though - too stunned by what he had just witnessed to feel any amount of pain. 

"So Bennys gone undercover because of some mad scheme of Inspector Moffat.  Am I right?" 

Ray was prodding him hard between his shiny new buttons. 

"What?  Uh yes."  
"Right.  Details.  I want details .  The cop folded his arms and looked implacably at the Mountie. 

"Hi again" smirked his sister creeping up her new favourite Mountie.  "Did he tell ya hes an ex-Ray?  I can see right through ya cant I snookums?" 

Her brother groaned and the Mountie looked embarrassed.  Hmm his Fraser blush was really developing quite nicely thought Ray. 

"Shoo Frannie dont ya have work ta do.  Id sure like ta know what ya have on the lieutenant ta make him give ya a job here." 

"Humph!"  This had the desired effect as Francesca flounced her way out of the office. 

************** 

"Youre really a Canadian?!" 

"Yes.  Hey were a versatile people really eh?" 

Ray muttered an Italian imprecation or two. 

"And Benny - hes gone undercover with the Canadian mob as a *what*!?" 

"Hey keep it down will you?" 

*Fraser* shushed the cop with his hands.  Ray stopped circling his desk for a second and stared the Mountie down. 

"You are tellin me that Benton Frasier has gone deep cover cos hes the spitting image of some guy called Cullen Skink?"  <Crazy name, crazy guy>

Ray resumed his pacing. 

"And this guys a...a... litterbug?"  <Talk about hound turned fox.>

"Uh yes." 

"Gee litterbug for the mob...nah just doesnt have that je ne sais sumthin  So whats he do?  Hold little old ladies  to ransom by threatening to despoil their gardens with used bus tickets?" 

"Hardy har har." 

"No one says...aw forget it." 

An unsubtle cough interrupted Stanley Rays considered reply.  He whisked round to be confronted by... 

"Hi son."  The elderly Mountie beamed benignly from the top of Rays filing cabinets. 

"Youre not my father.  For one thing I cant see through my father." 

"Yes I know that, but I thought Id add that extra touch of authenticity to your disguise.  Its the small print theyll trip you up on.  But you knew that didnt you?" 

<Sheesh this new guys gettin more authentic by the minute> thought Ray as he watched his new partner yakking to thin air. 

The Mountie gave an "Ohh I do not need this!"  and turned back to the cop.  If anything his hair seemed to have become spikier with frustration. 

As he took a deep cleansing breath Stanley Ray fastened his fingers round the lapels of a very startled cop and ground out the following.. 

"A litterbug is a guy who gets paid by the mob to organise waste dumping..toxic waste dumping.  Canadas got plenty of big empty spaces the bad guys think are goin begging.  Get it ?" 

"Got it." wheezed Ray. 

"Fine." said Stanley Ray letting go.  Ray slid into his seat conveniently located at his back side. 

Ray looked at his casefiles still teetering on the edge of his desk.  He glanced down at Dief still munching happily on the neverending bag of donuts.  His gaze shifted over to Huey and Dewey arguing in their corner about something and nothing.  He took a deep deep breath. 

"Well Constable Benton Fraser, so you came to Chicago on the trail of your fathers killer eh?  Interesting story.  Sorry I havent got two hours to spare.  I gotta performance McGonagallist ta catch.  Any ideas?" 

"Uh ideas?" 

"Yeah like we could bounce some ideas around.  Thats what partners do dont they?  Even unofficial ones."  Ray grinned at his new Benny in the making. 

"Ah" said Constable "Benton Fraser" RCMP.  
   
  

THE END 

Notes: 

1.  Well..it had to be done..I just could not resist..  
2.  See you can keep it a Canadian production with a Canadian star and still have Real Ray  
     back ;)) - for more than 2 min 10 sec that is.. Oh happy day, Oh wishful thinking.....  
3.  Guess what?  I havent seen Burning Down The House!!  Surprise eh?  
4.  Cullen Skink is a rich fish soup, named after a small NE Scotland fishing port...fair play  
     after all Real Ray got to be Armando Langoustine.  Something fishy all round I fear. 

Excerpt from "The Moon" by William McGonagall: Founding Father Bad Poets Society ;) 

"Beautiful Moon, with thy silvery light,  
Thou cheerest the Esquimau in the night;  
For thou lettest him see to harpoon the fish,  
And with them he makes a dainty dish." 

I guess the Performance McGonagallist begins to sound kind of believable no?  
Burns was only there for the bad pune (sic) ;)  
  

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